Month: August 2025

One day, I was driving to work, dealing with the traffic, and I had a moment. A moment of frustration and unhappiness. I just felt as if I was…existing. I said to myself, “If this is the only life I get to live, I’ll be damned if I live this one.” I am not living the life I want to live. There are times I am unsure of what I want to do, who I want to be, or how I want to live. Yet, I do know this ain’t it.

My social media drug of choice is YouTube. It’s bad. I have even put a timer on to alert me if I have been on for an hour. I only get annoyed with the timer when I am listening to a podcast or some program. Other times, I’ll get off for a little while and go right back. If I’m not watching a podcast, I’m watching shorts. Saturday, I saw a short of this grandmother getting an electric scooter. I was like, I want that, right now 😆. The scooter is a smaller one with handlebars (is that what they are called on scooters), and it is lightweight. The best part is how well it folds up. I am sure I could handle it all on my own. Actually, maybe that is the best part. For me to be able to fold it up and put it in my trunk by myself would be great!

I have been reluctant to go places and do things that require a lot of walking. I have accepted the fact that I have a limitation when it comes to walking, but I haven’t accepted the need for the next level of mobility devices. I hate my rollator walker. There have been days when I just want to pick it up and throw it. Yes, I am aware that would not be helpful, so that is why I haven’t done it. It seemed that taking the next step up was admitting defeat. It is like I am acknowledging that multiple sclerosis (MS) is winning. And the last thing I want is for MS to win.

Yet, I have to realize I’m not winning living half a life. It is okay to accept the things that I can’t do, but there is still so much that I can do. And if it requires me to sit my ass down on an electric scooter, I need to suck it up and do it. Better than sitting in the house doing nothing. I have been allowing MS to change how I show up in the world. I don’t want to do it anymore. I have this quote as the tagline on my email.

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” – Ayn Rand

When I see this quote, I always think that the only person that can stop me, is me. And it is true, I have been the only one stopping me. The first step is to purchase the ScootNGo (what a name). The second step is to live the only life I get to live. What about you? What do you want from this life? Are you taking the steps to get it? I know it is hard, frustrating, and at times overwhelming, but I know you can do it. I am rooting for you! Be well and whole. Much Love 🧡 💚

P.S. This is the video of granny getting her ScootNGo.

I lied to my friend the other day. Not on purpose. I was thinking of a situation using my current environment, not my past environment. I saw a cute dude at the UPS Store, and of course I was looking. I got caught looking. I realized I wouldn’t have gotten caught if he wasn’t looking back. I said to Shayla, “Yeah, he is looking until I get out of this car and he sees I’m handicap.” Not verbatim, but close enough. She says, “If he has an issue then he is shallow, like you.” No protest, I am shallow, she knows me. Then I proceed to say, “I could possibly date a disabled dude. It just depends on the level of disability.  I don’t want to wipe ass.” That was the lie.

First, I don’t mean now. I’m limited. We can’t both need help. Second,  I was thinking along the lines of if I wasn’t disabled. I would like to think I would be a better person at this age if I didn’t have limitations. I hope that alternate universe Ebony would be over her shallowness and is able to see and love a disabled man, a short man, or a man with a great personality. Unfortunately, I would probably still be the shallow asshole that would not date a man with a disability or shorter than 5’10”.  Hell, I am a shallow asshole right now, and I don’t have any room to be.

The reason why I lied was because I look at myself and see all that I am despite my limitations, and I have to believe someone else will see it too. If I say, as a healthy person, I wouldn’t date a person with a disability, where does that leave me?  I cannot expect anyone to do something I would be unwilling to do in their same situation. A disability is just part of who a person is, not the whole person. I don’t want anyone who is out here making a life and a way for themselves to be without love for such a shallow reason, me included. Yet, everyone has preferences and who am I to put my insecurities on them.

When it is all said and done, the lie was unintentional. As I thought more about the topic, I realized that if I had minimal to no growth over the past 10+, I most likely would not date a man with limitations. Multiple sclerosis (MS) has changed me and allowed me to look at the world through a different lens. I have grown in many ways over the years. I guess that is one good thing it did. And just in case I switch bodies with alternate universe Ebony, I will be ready with my MS perspective to make sure that version of me evolves into a better person. Be well and whole. Much Love 🧡 💚