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Book 49

Using my right that people fought and died for. 

As of 5:29 am today, it has been a full week since I turned 49 years old. I wanted to write about the start of this book last week, but I hadn’t figured out who I wanted to be for the next 365 days. Listen, I have a better idea now, but I’m still not solid on it. Well, I am not solid on the steps to execute my goals. One thing I was completely solid on was that this book will have a soundtrack. Songs that represent the three areas of my life I want to focus on this year,  Love, Purpose, and Connection.

Love

I have been obsessed with this song. When I think of love, this song plays in my head, on repeat. Meet the Sun by Joseph Solomon speaks to my heart on another level. I really like him. The lyrics 🥲. Meet the Sun represents to me how I want a man, who will become my boyfriend, and then my husband, to feel about me. The reverence in which he talks about this woman. I want to be wanted, I want to be loved, I want him to want me to stay. I am manifesting this love in my life. I am seriously going to spend this personal new year putting real effort into this manifestation. I feel like I have been laxed about it. I tell people that I want to be in love and get married. I think about it, but no action to support this goal. No more fucking around, not literally. I mean, no more hoping that love will be delivered to my door. I am going out to get it. My friend already wrote out my wedding guest list for 2028. I have to make it come true.

 

Purpose

I have previously read that maybe our purpose is not one big thing or mission that we need to accomplish on this Earth, maybe it is all the little things and ways that we do to make people feel loved, seen, and uplifted. I have been embracing this tidbit and living my life to be a blessing to others. But I still feel unfulfilled. I feel that there is more and that I have not discovered my true purpose. This is actually one of the reasons why I started therapy. All three of my focuses for 49 are why I am in therapy. I want to leave this planet knowing I have served God as He intended me to. Beyoncé’s I Was Here will be my guiding light to learn my purpose and serve in my purpose. The first time I heard this song, it really touched my heart and occasionally I come back and listen to it. It just seems like the perfect song to express my desire for purpose.


Connection

When I said I liked Joseph Solomon, I really meant that. For my spiritual connection and building my relationship with God, my song is Find Me by Joseph Solomon. Joseph says, “Lend my ears your voice.” That is the first line of the song. It’s perfect! I want to hear God’s voice. I want to know at all times  when He is speaking to me. And I don’t want to just listen, I want to do what he is instructing me to do. I crave a deeper connection with God, but I also fear it at the same time. I fear that I will lose myself. When in reality isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Even in this moment as I am typing this, I realize I think too highly of myself. Lol. I think that who I am is better than who God calls me to be. Smh. This ego is blocking my blessings. I want all my blessings. I want God’s continued grace, favor, and mercy. I want God to lead me. I want to be connected. After writing this, I know I have to get over myself. God has not given up on me. He continues to find me. I need to find who I am in His eyes.

 

I want this personal new year to be a breakthrough year. I want to know that I haven’t just started along the path, but that I am easing on down the road. And I mean easing 😆. Everything doesn’t have to be hard. As a 49 year old woman (damn I’m old), I want more life, more love, more books, more music, more connections. I want more!  I want to be well and whole, and I wish for you to be well and whole. Much Love 🧡 💚

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Ebony’s Playlist: What’s on Repeat? – Sexy Saturday: Double Back

A little spin on this Sexy Saturday. We all know better, yet we do it anyway. Doubling back to that old thang. Maybe this playlist will inspire you to not double back when you are feeling weak. Please don’t let it have the opposite effect 😳. Be strong!

Another Again by John Legend

This double back is toxic. They already had a tumultuous love affair on Again, a song also featured on the album Once Again. They can’t get it together, but they do it again and again. Unfortunately, I’ve been here. Glad I got some sense and finally broke that cycle.

Mr. Yeah by The Dream

This song is so stupid and I love it. He is so out of line. He talking shit to her and to her man. The part I always laugh at is when he says, “I can make you what you used to be. What’s that? A woman.” As if she isn’t because she isn’t having sex with him 🙄. Goofy ass. My favorite part is in the outro where he says, “You can always come back.” For any of us sinners, there is always one that we can always go back to. Yet, I am still encouraging you to be strong.

Lights On by Kwaku Asante

Every since I discovered this singer, I just keep finding new songs to love and add to my playlist. His voice, the music, the words. The way his lyrics describe events and things, I come away with a mental image, no video needed. It is kinda like storytelling. He is doubling back for her style, naked, and her smile.

Speaking in Tongues by Toni Braxton

This song was originally set to be on a regular Sexy Saturday playlist. Toni Braxton’s sultry voice is perfect for sex songs. But when I truly listened to the words, I realize that she is trying to double back. She even gave him her phone number. Now, what she is trying to double back on, I’m not exactly sure. I get the impression that they were doing some kissing and phone sex. Sounds sexually frustrating. Hey, no judgement here 🤷🏾‍♀️. Whatever works.

Over(When We Said Goodbye) by Thirdstory

I am so annoyed by this group. Thirdstory disbanded to pursue separate projects. I literally haven’t heard anything from any of them since. They should have stayed together and kept making beautiful music. Maybe, one day in the future they will get back together. I think the double back in this song is the worst. Three years away and they jumped right back in. Smh. Still not judging. Just making an observation.

I have been listening to some new music and I am very excited about some new artists I have found. I am excited to share new, heavily repeated songs with you 😆. I hope you are enjoying the Ebony’s Playlist songs and even adding some to your own playlist. Be well and whole. Much Love 🧡💚

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Memories of Monroe

This is an ageratum. Some people think they are plants that return annually, when in fact each year you are seeing the babies of the previous plant. I thought that was interesting.

My skin was crawling yesterday. Not a lot a bit, just a little bit. I decided to cross the state line and head up I-75 to Michigan. No real destination, just wasting gas. Which sounds crazy as hell as much as gas costs these days. Yet, I know when I get like this and I don’t take a drive, it just gets worse. The drive with the right music and the right weather calms my soul. It was chilly, but beautiful yesterday. I found a new to me album, Find Me by Joseph Solomon, and a new song, 27f, to obsess over. Based on Spotify’s listening stats, I played 27f 28 times yesterday and I have listened to it twice today, with more to come. I know I’m ridiculous 😂.

Unfortunately, for my driving aspirations, but fortunately for my gas tank, I didn’t make it too far. There was construction and lane closures at different places on the highway. I decided to turn around right after Eureka Rd. because it was going down to one lane. Umm… it is not soothing to my soul to sit in a construction zone. Back down I-75 I go. There was another lane closure issue that I wanted to avoid so I ended up driving through Monroe, MI on Monroe St./Dixie Highway. I was flooded with so many memories.

For those who don’t know, I worked at Ford Motor Company in Monroe, MI for about 9 years. I took a buyout and have spent the last 20+ years trying to figure out what the hell I want to be when I grow up. I know the streets of Monroe just as much as I know my Toledo streets. Yesterday, I passed by where my beauty school used to be and I remembered Brooke and I scrounging our dollars together to get garlic bread from Tiffany’s Pizza. I saw the A&W I went to with an ex-boyfriend who used to live in Monroe. Which of course made me think about him, and I hoped he is doing well. He was the sweetest. Then, I passed a restaurant that was part of a scavenger hunt I participated in to raise money for God knows what because I don’t remember. And though my team, Sherry, Stephanie, Tammy and I, didn’t raise a substantial amount of money, we had the most fun. We still laugh and talk about it to this day.

It was at this time that the book Twice by Mitch Albom popped in my head. Twice is one of my top 10 books of the year. If you haven’t seen the list, you can check it out here. I thought about all the fun I had in those years of working for Ford and the people I met. I would love to live through that time again. Of course, there are things I would do differently. Yet, I am a little worried that if I had not done those exact things that I did before, would I meet the same people and would it be the same fun? Dammit, I don’t know! Because I’ve told myself before, if I could do it over again, I would have married Andretti Sims so I wouldn’t have to change my last name 😂. He also was the sweetest and nerdiest dude which is totally my type now. I was fucking up when I was younger 🤦🏾‍♀️. Though I am sure I wouldn’t have done half the fun shit I did if I was married.

What I should be doing is, holding these memories near to my heart and being grateful that I have them. That when I ride through Monroe again, I can fill my soul with joy and tamp down the discontent. To not focus on what is missing, but see what has been and what will come. I have so many beautiful memories with beautiful people. I even have a memory of going to Monroe, MI with my soul sisters, getting chicken from a gas station and eating it at the park on the Elm Ave. and Monroe St. And this was before gas station chicken got really popular 😆.

I am not even in my feelings about turning 49, but I know something is missing. After writing this post, I would say the answer is fun. I need to have more fun and create more memories. That is a goal I can set for my own personal new year. I am mindful in this moment that it doesn’t have to be big things or events. The memories I just shared were all everyday moments with the right people. Welp, I guess I have fun to have. When was a time that you had so much fun and who did you have it with? How long has it been? I hope you have been blessed with an abundance of good memories with more to come. Be well and whole. Much Love 🧡 💚