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I am always and I mean always saying something out of place. I can’t remember exactly how I was when I was younger. I am sure I was the same way, but now in my life, smh. I would describe myself as socially awkward. My good friend Monica said it is more of a lack of filter. Now I can admit that my filter slips. Like I said I’m an 80/20, with 80 being the times the filter is in place. So I’m not sure if that fits me in particular. I am leaning toward socially awkward because I struggle in the real world. Lol. Oh let me count the ways.

For one, I suck at small talk. After the greetings, I’ll just stand there. Like what the hell am I suppose to say? I don’t want to talk about the weather or any damn thing else that doesn’t really matter. News 👎🏾. Hell I can’t give you any more examples because I just don’t partake in it. Unless the other person continues to ask me questions, then I respond and may repeat back the same questions 🤦🏾. I would be prone to ask something serious or none of my business. The awkward part comes in even more when I do that. Half the time I don’t even realize I overstepped. My inefficiency to hold small talk works against me on dating websites as well. He says hi or something else stupid, I say hi. He asks a question. I never respond. Once again what do you say?

Second, I am direct and blunt. Not many sweet words from me. I say it directly in an effort to eliminate misunderstandings. I dislike misunderstandings. I want you to know exactly what I meant. Now with that being said. Sometimes people get it, sometimes they don’t. Unless they are really close to me, either way it goes, they are probably offended. I even offend the people close to me. I try really hard to find ways to say it nicely. Usually, I just say fuck it and just say it the way I’m thinking it. Or I don’t say it at all. Not sure which one is worse.

Third, I stare. Like in an uncomfortable way. Even though I really don’t like people, they fascinate me. I am always trying to figure out why they did something. How they interact with others. It’s interesting. Most times this leads me to stare because I am watching so intently. If you see me looking at you in this way, don’t be offended. I am fascinated by you. This is a good thing. Take my word for it. Lol

Fourth, I don’t know how to flirt or when someone is flirting with me. Occasionally I will pick up on it without someone having to point it out, but most times I’m oblivious. I am the type of person that would just want to say, “Im interested in you. What’s up?” Yes, I know it doesn’t work that way, but why not!?!?! I don’t want to work that hard with the flirting. I look, he looks. We make eye contact. I hold it for a second and then look away. Or I look, he looks. I give a smile and then look away. This is actually probably the worst flirting technique. I smile all the fucking time. Guys are always going to think I’m flirting when in reality, I’m just being friendly 😩. Now how do I get myself out of it when he comes to talk to me and I am totally not interested in him? Somebody, anybody? The linger look is just as bad. Remember I said I stare. I was watching you not flirting, go away. Lol

Fifth, I talk to myself. Yes all the time, about everything. I am talking right now as I am writing this 😂😂😂. It used to be a stigma to talk to yourself. Actually, I’m pretty sure it still is because people always ask who am I talking to. My usual response is whoever is listening. But I’m really just talking to myself.

Sixth, like I said in the post “Today’s Reflections”, I wear headphones a lot. Grocery shopping, clothes shopping, walking around my apartment, on lunch at work, doing yard work, at the library, etc. You name it, I probably have headphones on. I wore them in the tub the other day. Lol. Yes, I know that it is weird. I don’t care. I didn’t want to get my phone wet. Like I said before it is not always effective at stopping people from talking to me, they don’t care. However, headphones are effective for listening to music. I love music. I feel like it makes anything that I have to do in life better.

I am pretty sure I could come up with more examples to solidify my social awkwardness but I think I proved it at this point. This does not negate the issues I have with my filter. But I feel like I have that mostly under control. Well except for last week. I may label that as a socially awkward moment. I am sure there is people that would disagree with me in regards to my filter. People being my friends. But I am not suppose to have a filter with them. They are the people that I can truly be myself with.

Well I think I am going to stop talking before I scare everyone off. Lol. Embrace your quirks and continue to be well and whole.

Now when people talk about their birthdays, they call it chapters. I’m sorry but all that happens in a year of my life could never be reduce to just a chapter. My year reads like a book with 12 different chapters for each month. Some months could even produce an additional chapter. This past year it seemed as if I was not writing an autobiography. It felt like someone else was writing my story. More like a biography or just plain out fiction. I found myself at my defintion of rock bottom. Starting over when I used to think that by this age I would have it all figured out. I am not even close to having it figured out. So many downs and more downs. Lol. I am ready for the ups. With God’s blessings and guidance, Book 42 will be the best book ever written so far in my life.

I have lived a pretty restricted life up to this point. Prided myself on being the good girl. The one that did what was perceived as the right thing. Listened to my mother, more than she thinks. Allowed the things that I learned growing up to dictate how I interacted with the world and people around me. Lived by philosophies that were not my own. I have started to read and listen to different individuals that have their shit together. Now I found out I was doing it mostly wrong. All this damn time, I have been doing this shit wrong. Grrrrrr!!! Now this is not to say all of the teachings were wrong. I know that even as I evolve into who I am meant to be, there are teachings that I will hold onto. They are truly beneficial to me. But there is a great many that do not serve me well. I am in a state of cognitive dissonance. What this means is that my beliefs are not lining up with my actions. I am uncomfortable. Somehow I have to change my beliefs so that my actions make sense. I want better and different. My beliefs are trying to hold me back. Not anymore.

I want to do the things that I think of no matter how crazy they may seem. I want to put all my walls down and let people in. And even when a few of those people hurt me, I want to keep my walls down. I want to lean on the right people to help me through the rough patches. I want to say what I think and feel even if I may get rejected. I want to fall in love. And as one of the characters in a romance novel I just read said, “I want to be known”. How fucking powerful is that? He also said, “I want to know you”. Even more so powerful. I want to be known and accepted. And I want to return that same respect to the man who has my heart. So I have been told, it’s never too late. Well, book 42 ought to be interesting 😉.

Starting Chapter 1, Book 42. As I close the last chapter in Book 41, I can say I am humbled. God has kept me. I am grateful. It could have been worse. I am determined. It also could have been better. I am different. You don’t go through things and come out the same way. I am evolving. I know there is more to me and I want to meet her. I am taking it one day at a time. I am expecting. And not just little things, I am expecting big miracles and success. I am accepting. I know that it will not all go my way. But I am realizing. And this will allow me to regroup and continue to push forward. I am open. How else is love going to find me? I am believing. God has the power and I know He wants what is best for me. I am manifesting. I will use my mind to attract what I want and need. I am blessed. I am a child of God and He loves me.

Happy Birthday to me! To my loyal and faithfully readers, be well and whole. Love you all ❤.

Let’s start with a quick update. I am doing alright. I am finally rid of the lingering side effects from the treatment. I am back to myself, good and bad. I had an appointment with my neurologist a couple of weeks ago and it was informative. The last MRI I had showed an increase in lesions on my spine. This would explain why my walking has gotten worse. At this time his recommendation is to continue on the current medication. And since I like walking, I will. Lol. Thank you everyone for your prayers and concerns. It is always appreciated and welcomed. This post should have been called random thoughts because I am all over the place. These are thoughts I had when I was out watching the sunrise. It is so peaceful and beautiful.

I seem to only write on the weekend which is normal for me but weird. It is the time when my mind is free of most other thoughts. I used to struggle on the weekends as well because I would take work home with me. Not physically but definitely mentally. Now, when I walk out of the door on Friday, my mind is clear. I get annoyed when people ask me about what happened last week. Hell I don’t know and I don’t want to. The rummaging through my brain for that tidbit of information is not on my list of things to do. This is a new week and I want to approach it as such. I digress. I spent the weekend working on one of the books I am writing(seriously). And I even finished my birthday blog. Yes, I know it is a week away, but it was flowing out of me so why not write.

I write notes all the time. I’ll be at work and a thought will come to mind. I will hurry up to write it down before I forget. If I don’t, that thought will be blowing away in the wind. Then I expand on that thought at a later date or time. Most times, it is a much later date 😬. I would love to have a thought and be able to write it out in its entirety when I am having it. I would probably post more often. When I have to pick up on the thought later, it does make it difficult to pull out what I wanted to say. I really think about great writing material when I am driving. Literally the best. Well the problem is I’m driving. Lol. I have tried to do the talk to text, not a fan. When I go back and read it I have a hard time trying to figure out what the hell I was saying. All types of wrong words based on what the phone thought it heard 😂. People recommend setting aside time to write. I get it but I don’t always think about things to write when I am focused on writing. I am easily distracted. Smh.

Some mornings, hell some days I just don’t feel like talking to people. I just want to be in my world, with my thoughts and no interruptions. The energy that it takes to interact with others is just too much. I wear headphones a lot. Not the in-ear ones but the go over your head ones. You would think that if people see this they wouldn’t talk to me right? Yeah, not so much. I like my sunrise location but sometimes I don’t want to talk to the people. They are friendly. So am I. But some mornings I wish I had tinted windows. Lol.

Now this is probably going to offend some people, but I don’t care, I don’t care. Smokers ruin everything. Everytime I’m out just wanting to enjoy the fresh air and nature, somebody has to come into the space I’m occupying smoking their funky ass cigarettes. I am extremely sensitive to the smell of cigarette smoke. I hate it!!!! Then the person is usually a damn chain smoker. Which means I have to leave my peaceful environment because I can’t tolerate it. I am saying this because as I am typing there is a lady out here smoking. Oddly, she isn’t that close but the wind is blowing it my way 😠.

Just some thoughts as I sit out here basking in God’s creation. Studying bird behavior and taking way too many pictures. Marveling at every little tick of the sun as it rises up and break through the clouds. It takes between 4 and 1/2 to 5 minutes for the sun to fully became visible. I recorded it. I know I need a life. Lol. These moments are so precious. I am glad that I take this time out for myself. It adds to my happiness.

In exactly one week I will be 42. Wow!!! I haven’t officially decided what I am going to do. I know drinking and eating is going to be involved. And time spent with my closest, dearest friends. All that sounds fabulous to me. I am not doing a road trip this year 🙁. I just moved and that tied up my money. I am not even sure if I will be able to buy my own present. Lol. I want a goPro. I want to record some of my excursions. I guess I can wait until my next birthday. That way I will have my road trip planned out and have something to record. Hope you all have a marvelous day. As always, be well and whole.

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