Ebony on Everything

Hi! My name is Sam and I am so grateful to Ebony for the opportunity to share my journey with Multiple Sclerosis for MS Awareness month. Thank you so much!! 

A little bit about me before I jump into my MS story. I grew up near Cleveland, OH, but moved to NC 13 years ago after graduating college and never looked back! Currently, I live in Hillsborough, NC on 10 acres and am (slowly) building a sustainable homestead with my husband and two feisty felines. I love gardening and being outside. If I am not playing in the dirt, I am managing a small cycling, strength training and yoga studio in Durham called Intent FitHouse. Strength training and maintaining a healthy, balanced lifestyle are huge parts of my life and I truly feel that those two things help keep me sane, especially over the last year. 🙂 

I am so excited to be able to write about MS and lessons I have learned over the years. With that said, on to my diagnosis story…

In 2005 I was a sophomore at The Ohio State University. It was my first year living alone and I had spent most of Fall Quarter studying and hanging out with friends. Life was good.

Then, out of nowhere, I woke up one morning seeing double, my face was numb on the left side, and my legs were weak and uncoordinated. I had no hand coordination in my dominant (right) hand.  My friend came over to take me to the ER. 

Over the next 24 hours, I had countless tests done. My parents arrived in time to hear the doctor’s diagnosis – Multiple Sclerosis. 

I had no idea what MS was. My parents didn’t believe the doctor and wanted to get home immediately. The doctor advised staying at the hospital. I had no energy to go back and forth with my parents, so I did what they wanted and signed out against medical advice. 

Once home, we made an appointment with a local neurologist. They did more tests, including a spinal tap. At the appointment to hear test results, the neurologist confirmed that it was Multiple Sclerosis. I looked over to my mom. She had burst into tears. My dad was trying to console her. They both were looking at me like my life was over. I was consumed by their reactions and suppressed my own.

In case you’re like me at the time and don’t know what MS is, it’s an autoimmune disease where your immune system is triggered and incorrectly attacks your brain and spinal cord. The attack causes inflammation which turns the insulated and healthy nerves into fried wires that can’t transmit info. For example, I’ve had inflammation in my optic nerve, which prevented the nerve from functioning properly and affected my eyesight. Inflammation can be treated with infusions of high doses of steroids, but there is no guarantee that normal functioning will fully return. It is unknown what parts of the brain and spinal cord the immune system will attack, so literally anything could be affected by MS. I have Relapsing Remitting MS, which means there are periods of remission and I can function with only my “normal” MS symptoms. Then there are periods of relapses, which is when the immune system is attacking your nervous system and causing damage to the nerves. There is no cure, but the goal of treatment is to minimize the amount of relapses in order to preserve one’s ability to function. 

After being diagnosed, I continued to ignore my emotions surrounding MS for another decade. During that time, every person I told had a different reaction to my diagnosis. While the reactions differed, one thing remained constant – I stayed preoccupied with how other people thought I should feel. I suppressed my own feelings on MS and I was confused and depressed because of it. I couldn’t continue to live this way.

About 5 years ago, MS was starting to affect my life more and I had to sort through the grief, fear and shame that came along with having a chronic disease. Once I did, everything felt aligned. After all those years of being distracted with other people’s emotions, I finally came to terms with the diagnosis and was not ashamed of MS anymore. I had a newfound trust and confidence in myself and my journey with this disease. It was only once I began listening to myself, that I was able to thrive despite the disease. 

Now, whenever I think about my MS diagnosis, I am reminded that it is important to always trust yourself. Whether it is a life altering situation like being diagnosed with a chronic disease or something small like deciding what to eat so you feel your best, YOU KNOW. You know how you feel. You know what is true to you. You can tell when something isn’t right. You already know, all you need to do is listen.