Ebony on Everything

This is not exactly how I thought 40 was going to go. Not even close. I am not sure if I can put into words my expectations of this year versus the reality. I can say I thought there would be more trips. Haven’t went on one yet. More dates with friends or men. A couple of friend dates, no men dates at all. More blog posts. Y’all can see how that is going so far. Just more from the last couple of years. I had a great feeling about 40. Not so much now. I don’t have a bad feeling, but it is no longer great. Right now I’m sure people are thinking, why are you not doing anything to make it great? I’ve tried. Most of my plans have been interrupted by unforeseen circumstances or cancellations. The things that I want to do I can, but I don’t want to do by myself. Or just being tired as hell. You know, life. I am usually not one to let things get me down and keep me there. I bounce back quickly. It is weird to feel a chip on my shoulder two days in a row. And other people are noticing it 😨. Not good. So I am sitting here brainstorming ways to get out of this funk.

I know one thing I need is more restful sleep. Lately I having been having dreams about doing the most mundane tasks. I usually have extremely crazy dreams like something out of a twisted horror movie. Honestly, I prefer the crazy ones over the ones where I am cleaning up spills off a floor. Who the hell wants to do that in a dream? Or wash dishes? Or answer phones? The real problem is that it takes me longer to realize it is a dream. I find myself having cleaned half the house before I realize it’s a dream. When they are crazy dreams, since it is so unrealistic, I can pull myself out of them as soon as they go left. Needless to say, I’m not sleeping well. Not sure if over the counter sleep aids work, but at this point it seems like it is worth a try.

Meditation is also an option. I have been interested in meditation for a while. I have even tried it a few times. I cannot keep my mind from wandering. What the hell? I mean not even for a full minute. I think I should invest in some books or some form of research that will help me get past my unfocused mind. Or even yoga. Now I am a little leery about yoga due to my balance issues. The last thing I need is to fall. But I guess chair yoga is an option. Any classes in Toledo that would be later in the day? Most yoga classes are too early in the damn morning, lol, or right in the middle of the day.

As I am reading this back, these seem like some poor ass excuses. Now I have to figure out if this is true. Now I also feel the need to read books about focus, motivation and perseverance. Does anyone else’s mind work like this? I am truly all over the place today and just like this most days. Can y’all imagine my posts if I didn’t take the time to sort through my thoughts? I think people would have a hard time following along. I’m sure there are a few crazies like me that would follow along though. I guess what I am trying to say is I am without direction and unfocused. Unbalanced in my current life. I have been thrown off and I am not sure how to get back on track. I am sure this period of uncertainty will work itself out. It is just no fun going through it right now. If I am in any way mean to you, please don’t take it personal. It is definitely me, not you. Unless you are one of those people who always gets on my nerves, then it’s you. Lol.

As I find my way back to a balanced life, I say to you, be well and whole.

New book, well I have actually had it for a while.

As soon as I seen it at Target, I had to have it. I, of course have not read through all 3000 questions or answered any of them on paper either. I did skim through a few pages. I think that they are some pretty interesting questions. One that I did not like was, “Who would you kill if you could get away with it?” Until this weekend that is. The truck driver that tried to run me off the road has earned that spot. Lol. I wouldn’t kill him. God will get him for me.

I am in a phase, no…a place in my life where I have found that what I have been doing, I can do much better. There is a constant search for improvement whether it is through books, listening to motivational speeches or watching sermons on YouTube. I have picked up on some really great ideas but I just haven’t implemented any of them on a consistent basis. Either I will start the practice for a few days and fall off after about a week or keep researching and never put it into action. Yes, I am a procrastinator. Yes, I know that there are books to help with that as well. Yes, I am procrastinating about reading those books. I am great at my bad habits. Not so great with creating new, healthier ones.

I started to listen to Steve Harvey’s book “Jump”, where he pretty much is saying stop waiting and letting fear or not knowing all the steps stop you from doing great things.

I fall into that category completely. There is a really great clip going around and it is on YouTube were he does a small inspirational talk about this same topic. I recommend that you check it out if you haven’t seen it. I did not finish the book, but not because I’m a procrastinator. I actually purchased the audiobook and he let someone else narrate the book. Why?? As much as he talks, that should have been right up his alley. I couldn’t reconcile the voice of the other man with the words that pertained to Steve’s life experiences. It didn’t mesh well in my mind. Now when I see an author who did not narrate their own audiobook, I don’t buy it.

If you are looking for inspiration but don’t have the time to read a book, my future husband (lol) Sean Croxton has a website called www.seancroxton.com where he takes a snippet of a motivational speech and play it almost daily. He does not post any on Saturdays and Sundays. It is called the Quote of the Day Show. I try to listen to them in the morning when my brain is fresh so I can get the most out of what is being covered. It is a definite morning pick me up. And you can listen to it as you brush your teeth and get dressed. Usually not more than 12 minutes. If you are at a crossroads, working on becoming a better person or just love gaining new and different perspectives, check out a couple of these books talked about in this post. Sean Croxton also has an e-book called “The Money Mind Reset”. I am investing time this week in reading the whole thing, no procrastinating.

Another book I recommend is “Abundance Now” by Lisa Nichols.

Lisa Nichols also has a website called Motivating the Masses. You can subscribe to her weekly newsletter that helps you tackle some real issues and give you words of wisdom to use in your daily life. If you are going to read Steve’s book “Jump”, make sure it is not the audio version. This next book I read with my book club, “Think Better, Live Better” by Joel Osteen. It can be read over and over again. There was so much that I got out of it. I even wrote down some of the really great phrases on cue cards to look at daily.

We are great but we can be better. Sometimes it takes reading a book to get the concept that someone else has been telling you all along. We have a tendency to look at correction as attacks, when really the person telling us has our best interest at heart. Maybe we aren’t ready to hear what they have to say or their delivery is off. If someone’s message is one of negativity or discouragement, don’t listen to that one! But oddly enough, those are the ones we tend to listen to. Lol. Allow your visions to flourish into reality. Take action and if you don’t know how, there is a book for that.

I have always wanted to end my post with a tagline. Something that represented me. I haven’t figured one out just yet, but we will stick with this one for now. Be well and whole.

Also, I know Monday is almost over, but I was having some difficulty adding my pics. I didn’t want to let this day get away. For one, I didn’t feel like changing the title. Lmao. Two, someone may have needed this message tonight.

I have started this post about 3 or 4 different times over the last 3 to 4 weeks. I always stop after a while. I’m not sure exactly why. Not feeling inspired. Overwhelmed and not sure how to articulate my thoughts. This time I am at my favorite place sitting on a wooden bench, feet dangling above the ground. The breeze is blowing across my neck and I can see water for miles. Nothing is more calming to me. People are walking along the walkway and ducks are bobbing around in the water. What more could I ask for?

Well…a boat would be nice so I can bob around like the ducks. Or a residence on the water so this could be my view every day. Lol. Guess I’ll settle for this perfect day for now.

I have had some mentally and emotionally draining last few weeks. Usually I’m pretty good at handling things but not this time. I mean I’m not messed up or on the verge of a breakdown. Just not thinking and creatively numb. What the hell? I started a blog because I have so much to say and then to not be able to say it is weird. Also, I think I just got out of the routine of waking up and writing with a fresh, unburdened mind. Now in this moment looking at the subtle movements of the water and this clear blue sky, I feel some of the pressure releasing off my chest. I don’t exactly feel like me but, I feel better.

I recommend getting away from your thoughts and going to your favorite place. Rejuvenate your soul and find the peace that makes you whole. Or at least what takes off some of the pressure. There is nothing like it. There are some things in life that are truly unavoidable. And when you come across these things, these situations plus our own negative self talk and problems we have created for ourselves, how do you handle them? How do you balance yourself out? Whatever works for you, make sure you do it. We have to present our best selves to the world. It is what we are meant to do and meant to be. Our best is what allows others to be their best. We smile, laugh, inspire, encourage, uplift. Someone needs you. Don’t let your light stay dimmed. I had a friend and coworker read my blog for the first time recently. She told me how she really enjoyed it. That she laughed and she cried. That is exactly how I wanted people to be affected by my simple and true words. By me exposing some of my vulnerability. By letting my light shine. Don’t go too long without taking care of self. I may be the person who needs your light. When I think about it, it’s probably your fault that my light was dimmed. Dammit! Get yourself together right now. Lol. Seriously, be well and whole, the world needs you at your best.