Me – Page 3 – Ebony on Everything

September 17, 2020February 18, 2021

Ready For Love

“It got me roamin’ through these empty streets
Thinkin’ you ready for love
(You ready for love)
Are you ready for it?
I think I’m ready for it”

Ready For Love by Lucky Daye

Ok this post is going to be a little sappy. Bear with me. Lol. I don’t know what happened over the last couple of months but I have went soft. Smh. Too much introspection and dropping limiting beliefs. Visualizations of my future. A sweet comment that chipped at the ice surrounding my heart which caused me to feel a physical pain. I believe it was that part of my heart thawing out and gaining some feeling back. And once that happened, I was done for. The rest of the ice slowly melted leaving an exposed, pulsing heart. A heart that has found its way to my sleeve ready to be put into someone’s hand. “Harpo, who is this woman?” 😂

I had previously thought I was ready for a relationship. One Hinge date set me straight. The guy was so cool and I enjoyed myself. We played miniature golf (I won) and went out for dinner. We had some awkward getting to know you conversation and ended the date on a good note. That doesn’t mean sex people! It means with a possibility of another date. But I realized that it was too much. Too much energy. Too much effort. I didn’t want to use the energy and effort to get to know him better or anyone for that matter. Like I said, he was cool. It wasn’t him, it was me. That’s when I knew I wasn’t ready. I deleted my dating profile and haven’t looked back.

I prefer to meet a man organically. When you meet someone from a dating site, you know what you are there for. Especially, if you are ready for love and long-term commitment. You spend the whole time assessing them and looking for flaws, determined not to waste your time. They don’t really have a chance. My socially awkward ass doesn’t stand a chance. Lol. If I was to meet someone by chance at the bookstore, grocery store or library it would be a better flow for me. I listed these places because they are the only places I go. Lol. Someone says something, somebody else says something. You laugh, they laugh and there is a moment. I love that moment. It’s when you know that there is mutual interest. Numbers are exchanged and a world of possibilities open up.

I’m getting sad now. I haven’t had a moment in forever 🙁😄. No, I’m okay…I think. The truth is I’m ready for a moment. I’m ready to put my heart into someone’s hand. The right person’s hand. I have to admit, I am a little worried. I do not know how to pick them. And I go with the wrong ones that pick me. My type is asshole, period! None of my ex-boyfriends look similar. The only thing they have in common is asshole qualities. I’m not judging them. As the saying goes, “You attract what you are.” Certified asshole here 🙋🏾‍♀️. I guess I felt that someone who acts like me would get me. That I wouldn’t spend the majority of our relationship telling him I was joking and saying I’m sorry. This dating formula didn’t work out so well for me. Lol

I’m changing…slowly. There is parts of me that I love and I don’t want to change. My husband needs to love those parts too. Lol. Or at least accept them. But there are things I definitely need to work on. And I am. I don’t want to mess up what God gives me. I don’t want to be so stubborn, hard-headed, impatient and independent. Yes, I have these interesting qualities 😉. I also have some great ones. Loyal, supportive, honest and considerate. I am a perfect mix of imperfections and desirable qualities. Just right!

I have been watching the Black Love documentaries on YouTube and they are so inspiring. I know that my marriage will be one that works for my husband and I, but it is great to hear successful marriage stories and couples working through the challenges. I don’t have many models in regards to loving, successful marriages. If you have a successful marriage story, I would love to hear it! Feel free to share in the comments or email me at elsims27@yahoo.com. I love love. Continue to be well and whole in your life’s journey. I know that y’all are getting tired of wearing the mask because I am. But let’s keep each other safe. Mask on 😷! Much love 🧡 💚

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October 26, 2019July 6, 2020

Me Pt. 5 (Reemergence)

The last few days have been eye opening and life changing. I am so engrossed into finding out who I really am. I know who I am right now but am I suppose to be this person. What about the old me? Did I give too much of her up when she may serve me well right now in my life? What’s really going on? Let me tell you.

So, I have some flaws 😱. Can you believe it? Lol. Here I was thinking I was perfect. I guess not. With that being said, I am pretty bad at articulating what I want to say in a nice way or even in an inoffensive way. I am extremely blunt and how I think it, I say it. I usually think that how I am saying things make sense to me, so of course everyone else is going to understand it. Hahaha. Jokes on me. Those times are few and far in between. Thank God I have friends and family that love me and know I mean no harm. I would be a lonely person if I had to make friends right now in life. Anyways, I said something to an individual in a text message that I probably should not have said at all. Once I told one of my friends, she said it back to me in plain speak and I realize that went all the way left. Like to the point that it came back around and kicked me in my ass. Lol. Yeah…that is how it goes most of the time. The person was offended and that was to be expected. What wasn’t expected was that that person would then proceeded to air out their grievances on social media. In a really unnecessary, in my opinion, manner.

Now I am a very private person. I know I have a blog where I talk about myself and my many opinions, but what I share is only the tip of the iceberg. I may constantly put my foot in my mouth but most people wouldn’t know unless I tell them or the other person involved says something. I will seek you out in a private manner to express my thoughts or opinions because that’s me. Everyone don’t need to know everything. And if I say something wrong or offensive, check me right then and there. I am fine with it and I can handle it. Now, I may not agree but I can respect your thoughts and feelings. What I cannot respect is for what I say to become fodder for the attention seeker. For the person who needs validation from others. For a private matter to be made public. Why? I get it. This person was truly offended and I don’t blame them one bit. I actually felt horrible about what I said and was trying to figure out how I could right my wrong. Until…I seen their response.

Now this brings me to the part where I get reacquainted with myself. The me that has been altered to hide parts of myself that are not so pretty. I was ugly with rage. My face was hot. My pits were sweating (I have come to realize this is a true sign of anger for me). My mind clouding up with tongue lashings that I so desperately wanted to deliver. I rarely ever get mad. Upset, irritated but mad, not so much. And it is few and far between when I get mad enough to cuss someone out. Unless I’m driving and that doesn’t count. Lol. I became a version of myself that I had left in the past, for whatever reason. I was changed in that moment and for a good day or so later. I remembered this Ebony. I wanted to embrace her and cut everybody the fuck off and be mean and evil. I wanted to drop my filter completely and verbally abuse anyone who said anything that I perceived as wrong to me. I was ready to be that me again. I had it all planned out. So y’all do know by now that I’m crazy, right? Ok good. Let’s proceed.

What actually happened is I typed out some of my mean comebacks in my phone to help release some of my anger. I text talked to my friends who had me laughing so hard. That helped a lot. I went to sleep. I woke up and I realized I cannot go back to the old me. Oh how I wanted to so bad the day before. I got in the shower and I talked to God. I told Him I did not want to be changed by this. That this was so minor in the grand scheme of things. That I could not be that person again. Now at this point, y’all are probably thinking I am making a big deal about this one incident. But it is not just this one incident. I am constantly pushing down the ugly parts of me to be accepted in polite society. My filter is at 80%. Like we established earlier, I’m not perfect so some things do get through. I am mean people! Like really mean and it is completely natural 🤦🏾.

But on the other hand, I am nice. I say things in a fucked up way but I usually mean well. I am caring, compassionate and loyal as hell. If you have me as a friend, you got me for life. Like it would take some extremely drastic shit for me to give up on you. I am not judgmental and I pretty much keep to myself. I believe in the best of people and I am always putting myself in someone else’s shoes. I believe that my good outweighs my bad. Now what I did get from this is, maybe I am stifling myself a little too much. I may need to lower my filter to 50%. I don’t have to be the old, ultra mean version of myself but I may need to check people a little bit more. I don’t want to hold this stuff in to the point of exploding. I guess I just need to work on my delivery. If I get that down, I can check people all the time. Lol. Seriously though, I have to find a way to convey what I feel without ostracizing people. I know it can be done.

Are there parts of you that are not so pretty? What have you done to change them or to not allow them to interfere with the person you have become? Got any tips for me? I am open to receiving advice. Just don’t get upset if I don’t take it. Lol. I will definitely take it into consideration though. On this rainy Toledo day, I hope you are well and whole.

July 31, 2019July 6, 2020

Me, Pt. 4

Probably shouldn’t have used this picture. I look sneaky 😂😂😂.

I have so many half written blog post waiting to be completed, as usual. This one was the most completed one so thought I would share. As you all know, I’m a little crazy and the more I reveal about myself, the more likely you are to think I am totally crazy. Lol. I’m cool with that though. Enjoy!

I very rarely wear matching bra and panty. I pretty much get up in the morning and whichever ones I grab, I wear. Now if I know that I am wearing something that requires a certain color or style, I will take the time to select underwear for that particular outfit. If you encounter me with matching bra and panty, bom chicka wah wah 😘.
Don’t you dislike when you agree to do something or go somewhere and when the time comes you are no longer in the mood? That is me like 85% of the time. The good and bad part is I am a person of my word, so if I agree to it, I am going to do it. The only way I usually back out is if I have a legitimately good reason. I am the one person that you don’t have to worry about standing you up. Now if you say that you don’t feel like going anymore, I will not try to convince you otherwise. I’m relieved.
I don’t like to sit in a room that has windows and the blinds are not open. At my house I don’t really open the curtains/blinds though because I walk around with little to nothing on. I live in a neighborhood where people walking down the street can look in and I am not into voyeurism. Maybe I need windows that I can look out but people can’t see in. Ummm….
I realized that I am the kind of person who once I make up my mind, it is extremely hard for me to deviate from that. My ex-boyfriend was my type. I mean physical, spiritual and work ethics as well. Same views on marriage. I just knew that since I was finally dating my type that this would be the person that I was going to marry. Well I am still single, never married. I am not bad mouthing him or talking about him in any way. I don’t think we were right for each other. We are still friends and spend time together occasionally. The issue is that I wanted him to be so bad that I was blind or ignored all the tell tale signs. I just kept holding on way past when I should have let go because I had made up my mind. He was it, the one. This thinking had me 7 years later finally accepting what was, that though he was cool, he was not going to be my husband. I have to work on this quality of absolutes. I know that I will miss out or delay what is meant for me because I can’t let go of what I want.
I don’t like being told no, EVER!
I do not like PDA. I am usually disgusted seeing people kissing all passionately in public. Yuck!!! Save that shit for home. Now a peck is ok. A little hand holding or hugging is alright as well. But sitting in laps and dry humping 👎🏾. I know it is wrong to project my issues on others, but I don’t care.

So now that I am open and vulnerable, what say you? Share with me one thing about yourself that people would probably never figure out about you or one thing that makes you weird and quirky. Of course I know you are not going to put it in the comment 🙄, but you can always email me at elsims27@yahoo.com. I am interested to see your responses. Quick question, should I add more pictures on my blog? Whether it is of me, me doing things or even pictures I take of nature and other things. Just thinking pictures of me can help people put a face to the person who is supplying the content. Also, the other pictures could break up some of my constant talking. Lol. As always, be well and whole.