Category: Me

Today, I had my first therapy appointment. And today, I decided, I quit therapy. Just kidding 😂.  We barely even touched on anything and it was still a little intense. I thought I knew myself. I pride myself on being self-aware and knowledgeable of my faults. Yeah, I’m not. I have been sitting on the surface and she is about to make me dig my own damn grave. Yet, this is what I signed up for. I want a more fulfilling life. I want to know why I am here, and not just because God isn’t bored with me 😆. I want to be a better friend, daughter, sister, and aunt. I want to accept the current version of myself, and not keep dwelling on who I was. I want to be comfortable with crying, even if I don’t feel like it is helpful. Because I am sure keeping it in, isn’t helpful either. There is so much I want while I am still here on this earth. Oh, I even have a quote for this. It is my own quote.

“If this is truly the only life I get to live, I’ll be damned if I live this one.” – Ebony Sims

This is in reference to the life I am currently living. It is pretty average. Nothing to write about, even though I am always writing about it on this blog 😂.

After my appointment today, I realize why people don’t go to therapy. And I don’t recommend it, until you are ready. We are always walking around talking about how someone needs therapy, without realizing it is a huge step. Like it is nothing to play with. You are talking to some random person and telling them all your business. You are exposing parts of yourself, you haven’t even come to terms with yet. Then you have to tell the therapist why you feel a way. I don’t fucking know why I feel that way, I just do! Wrong answer 😕. And at this point, you have to evaluate your feelings in that moment and find the best one to describe the emotion that motivated you. Talk about work (wipes brow). Lol. Seriously though, I will be more cognizant of what I say in regards to therapy. It is nothing to take lightly.

I received a few packets and some homework. One of the packets was titled Becoming Whole. Talk about right place, right time. Not only is it a part of my sign-off, but it is one of my goals for my personal new year. I believe God lead me to this particular therapist. I am uncomfortable and a little scared. Heaven only knows what is going to come up in these sessions. But I believe it is my time to be well and whole. I wish the same for you, no matter how or when you get there. Much Love 🧡 💚

I had to slide this post in before the end of this year. And I mean, I am barely making it. I ought to be ashamed of myself, and I am a little bit 😆.

This will be my last Dating Diaries for a while. I have to be honest with myself and you, I just can’t do this shit right now. I guess I don’t want it enough. If I did, I would put more energy and time into it. I have currently had my profile on snooze for the last 3 months and I’m just going to delete it. Maybe sometime next year I will focus on dating.

This Dating Diaries story is kinda old. It happened back in August. I wrote it out, but it was long. So I never published it. Yet, it is such a good story, I felt I had to share it. Except, I did a terrible job at telling it. I can’t tell y’all how many times I started, stopped, and started it again. The finished product was me giving up 😆. I couldn’t do it anymore. I thought about recording it again, but I remembered the trauma from that day. So here is the video.

And here is a blooper reel.

Believe me, I could have included an hour of bloopers, but I will spare y’all from second hand embarrassment 😳😂.

Anyway, I hope you are bringing in the new year in a way that makes you happy. Whether it is sitting at home watching TV, in church, at a party, or sleeping. I hope you are doing exactly what you want to do. Be well and whole. Happy New Year’s Eve 🍾. Much love 🧡💚

I don’t know why I decided to title these posts Dating Diaries, because I have not been on a single date 😆. I guess the title sounded good. Well, I have still been sticking with Bumble. Probably because I’m too lazy to set up a dating profile on any other app or I genuinely just don’t care. I will let you decide. One day I went on the app and they had a deal that I took advantage of. For $2.49, $2.68 with tax, I could see my Beeline for 24 hours. The Beeline is men who have swiped right on me, but I have not swiped right on them. Remember, I said in Dating Diaries, Vol. 1, the cost to see this special group of men was $34.99, so $2.68 was a deal.

To start off with, these men that I seen in my Beeline were not the same men I had seen on the app. These jerks have been holding out on me! At this point, I think they allowed me to see my Beeline to encourage me to pay that damn $35. I’m still not going to do it though 😆. As I looked through the men, some of them were not in my general area therefore I probably wouldn’t have seen them anyway. I did set a mileage limit. Others wanted kids and a couple were atheist/agnostic. I would not have swiped right on them even if I had seen them. There was a couple of really attractive men that I wanted to ask if having kids was a non-negotiable 😬. I didn’t do it though. Yet, I’m trying to figure out why these men in their mid forties want kids this late in life?!? Shit, it is time to live it up. Yes, I realize these men are not for me and I can respect their decisions.

Here I am with options and I am doing absolutely nothing with it. What is wrong with me? I need to like them back and send them a message. These $2 and some change are about to go to waste. I had to text my dating guru friend Delanea. She always manages to put a positive spin to this dating app crap. After some encouragement from Delanea, I liked 3 men back and sent my standard Hello. It fell flat. No one responded 😂. To be fair, I do not know when these men had actually liked me. It doesn’t give you a date. I guess my time was up. So, I am back at square one.

I am seriously considering asking my friends to run my dating profile. I want them to match me with men, set up dates, and all I have to do is show up. I never thought I would say that. I don’t want them to act like it’s me. I want them to be honest and say they are doing this on my behalf. I think a man would be very disappointed to meet me if they were speaking for me. They have the skills of flirting and sweet talking which I lack. I am really considering this idea 🤔. I think there is actually an app designed for friends to assist friends. I’m going to look into it.

In the meantime, I’ll just keep swiping left until I find someone to swipe right on. Maybe one day, I’ll create a profile on a different dating app. Maybe one day, I’ll match with someone and actually go out on a date. And then I will have earned the right to call these posts Dating Diaries. I am still trying to stay in this dating game. As the random cute guy said, I’m down to my last resort 😂. Stay well and whole. Much Love 🧡 💚