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I dislike when I have thoughts, great thoughts, when I am driving. They flow so poetically with all the right words. I then get home to write them down and I am screwed. I have retained the general idea but the wording is off. It doesn’t sound right. Yes, I am aware of talk to text. Most of the time it fucks up whatever I say. The most annoying part is when I pause between thoughts, it stops recording and I have to start it back up. I’m driving and trying to pay attention to all of these non-drivers, I don’t have time for this shit. Lol. I have given up on plenty of good writing topics because of this. The topic I am getting ready to talk about is one that originated while driving. I can tell you these words are not the same ones that I had in the car but I believe they will do. Here goes.

Imagine that you are at a department store. Your arms are full of different outfits that you are going to try on in the fitting room. At this point you are imagining for two reasons. One, because I said so. Lol. Two, because we can’t try clothes on anymore due to the pandemic. Yep, new reality. So please use your imagination as much as possible here. Anyways, you get in the dressing room and hang up all of your potential purchases. The first thing you try on fits perfectly. It complements your shape, it is your style and it is just the right price. It is going in the Yes pile. The second item you try on fits good, but when you look in the mirror you realize it is not saying anything. It’s just alright. It goes in the Maybe pile. Now you try on an outfit that you weren’t really sure about but who knows. It looks horrible. It is ill fitting, the color does nothing for your skin tone and it is just not you. This goes in the No pile. You proceed to go through the rest of the clothing. Choosing what you love and setting aside what you dislike. Wavering on the possibles, the ones that fit but may not really highlight your best self. 

I don’t know where this thought came from that day. Maybe from all the books I have been reading, seminars I have watched or just my general desire to be better. I look into myself all the time. I know and accept my flaws. If we can call them that. I love myself anyway. Let’s look into this a little bit. Do you perceive your flaws as things that you have decided that you need to work on? Or did someone tell you what your flaws are and you accepted it as truth? Or are they even flaws at all?

I can be very outspoken and blunt with my delivery. I do not like misunderstanding so I figure if I say it straight out, people will get my point. From someone else’s perspective, this is usually considered a flaw but I love this about myself. I get annoyed with myself when I look back and realized I was muted when I should have spoken out. This is the first outfit in the fitting room. It is perfect and I am going to keep it for sure.

I am anti-social and socially awkward. I realize I am an introvert, but I still want to be able to carry myself in social settings as an extrovert. I want to be the person that can strike up a conversation at networking events. I want to make connections that can benefit me with all these ideas going on in my head. Create partnerships that are mutually benefical. As they say, “It is not what you know but who you know.” I don’t know many people. Lol. Though I am friendly when approached there is a chance the conversation will die if I have to keep it going. This is the second outfit in the fitting room. It fits me yet it is not saying anything for me as a person. These characteristics do not allow my light to shine at all. I don’t want to keep it. 

Now the last outfit and all the other ill fitting ones that were put in the No pile is other people’s opinions, perspectives and flaws they perceive you to have. You tried them on and it doesn’t fit. It is uncomfortable. You cannot move properly. You look and feel bad with them on. It is time to take that shit off and put it in the No pile. We will live our whole lives dressed in other people’s perceptions of who we are and never truly finding out who we are. Get to know who you are, who others think you are and who you want to be. 

I started this post a while ago. Other thoughts came up that just flowed from beginning to end so I went with it and posted those first. The last few book club zoom meetings and community calls with Money Mind Academy have been on this topic. I said I need to finish this post ASAP. People are struggling and they need words of encouragement. People need to know that just because your mom or dad, who you love and respect said it, that doesn’t make it true. Your best friend who doesn’t have clear vision of their future but want to shit on yours, may not be your best friend. The ex who low blowed you every chance they got to lower your self-esteem because they knew they weren’t worthy of you was wrong! And so many other incidents were words stuck to you but should have bounced off. 

Get to know yourself. And fix only what you see is broken and will stop you from achieving your dreams. Love on yourself. As Adam Roa says in his song You Are Who You’ve Been Looking For, “Treat yourself like someone you loved.” Shake off the darkness and let your light shine bright. I need you. The world needs you. Fuck what they say. You are perfectly imperfect. Just as God made you. Stay well and whole. Much love 🧡 💚 

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Ok let’s start off with a long overdue update. In my previous post Socially Awkward AF, I talked about an issue I had navigating social media. Well my 1% of hope paid off for me. The individual I sent the message to was the only one who received it and he responded back with some laughing emojis (🤣🤣). Pffff…Thank God. Lol. If you have not read that post, I recommend you go back and check it out. It is pretty funny.

I am in a place in my life where I am working on me so that I can create the life I want to live. It is going really slow and I wish I could say I am okay with that. I’m not. I’m not handling parts of this growth period well. I have been off work since April. I just knew that God would speak to me and tell me my purpose/what I’m to do next in my life. That I would use this time off for major breakthroughs and answers. I feel I have been open to listening to His word. Holding off on making any major decisions without His guidance. Well…I’m still waiting. 

I am finding myself being so hypervigilant lately. I’m looking for signs everywhere. I look for signs driving down the street. Seeing if anything jumps out at me. Reading books and  listening to seminars about how to find your purpose. The answer has to be out there. Is it me? Has He spoken to me and I didn’t hear it? Or did I block it out because it was not what I wanted to hear. Like seriously, can I get a hint? I am restless and I feel so unproductive. These are terrible feelings. My skin feels tight. Like a snake who has outgrown its skin and I need to shed it. And that would be fine and dandy if I knew what my next step was. I’m paralyzed. 

Twenty four hours or 1440 minutes or even 86,400 seconds come and go. Day in and day out. Time I will never get back. I want these seconds, minutes, hours to count. I want to serve others by serving in my purpose. It is the only thing that would give my life fulfillment. I think of how badly I want a house on the ocean, a Tesla and a husband. If I was to get all of these before knowing my purpose, I would feel as if something was missing. As said by Ralph Waldo Emerson, 

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

And Buddha,

“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.”

I need my purpose. Sooner rather than later.

I know I’m not the only one, but it feels like it. When we get stuck in our worries and fears, we can feel so alone. I share my truths to let people know they are not alone. I know some people do it because it is therapeutic. It totally is not for me. It just makes me feel like a loser. Lol. I just have to know that when the time is right it will happen. I have to operate in faith. Keep tugging away at these small goals and leaps. It sucks especially because we just started reading a book called You² by Price Pritchett in book club. This book talks about taking quantum leaps. Jumping several steps in the process to get to the greater reward even if you don’t know where you will land. If it will even be beneficial. Scary huh? 

When God comes through and says this is you, I’m jumping off the highest bridge, head first. No helmet, no harness, no bungee cord. I’ll be damned if I miss this opportunity. I know God has spoken to me in the past. And I questioned it, hesitated and just stalled out. Not again. I have wasted too much time. I want it all! 

Is God speaking to you? Even if you don’t believe in God, is something nudging you? Saying go here, do this, let them go. Do you follow these commands? As I just wrote that, I have to acknowledge God has been speaking to me. I just want the major push! But let’s not discredit the small ones. Each little step will get you closer to the quantum leap. But most importantly, DON’T GIVE UP! Continue to be well and whole and open. Whatever it is for you, it’s coming. Much Love 🧡 💚 

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