Category: Notes to Self

As I listened to a sermon this morning, I felt like the message didn’t apply to me. I was like, I’m going to send this to my cousin. This applies to her so well. I saved the link to make sure that I had it to send to her. Yet, when I think about what I want for my life, it could apply to me. I am single and would like to be married. I have enjoyed my life in my singleness. I have not been waiting on a man to come to start to live. I have brought a house, I have traveled solo and with others, I go to restaurants by myself, I take road trips, I do the things. I have not or am not waiting on my husband to live my life. But I realized there is more I want for my life. I want to have a successful blog that thousands of people are reading, I want to write a book or two (that is all I have in me right now, I don’t know what God has planned), I want to buy another house (I sold the first one), preferably on the water. I still want things for my life that can happen while I wait. I am not sitting here whining and bemoaning the fact that I am not married, but it does cross my mind, a lot. I mean shit, I’m almost fifty! I’m digressing. Lol. I guess I need to focus more on completing my other goals and let God do His thing in the background. Thank you Pastor JJ for the word I didn’t ask for, but I needed.

When I first started to write this, Multiple Sclerosis (MS) popped in my brain as well. MS is a journey and the destination would be a cure. The same goes for this journey as it does the journey for marriage, I have to find ways to enjoy my life along the way. This, I find a lot harder to do. MS presents to me as a deterrent to me enjoying my journey. I like solo travel yet I feel there are less places I can go on my own due to safety concerns. I have to think about everything from a perspective of accessibility. It is limiting, very much so. Deep sigh. I can’t pick and chose how this message Pastor JJ delivered applies. Maybe the real purpose of this message wasn’t about the husband and marriage, but about the MS. I am bemoaning this part of my life. I don’t be whining though 😆. Just another thing to talk about in therapy. I am going to be in therapy the rest of my life at the rate I’m going. Lol.

Just some Sunday morning thoughts. I hope your day is off to a great start. If you would like to listen to Pastor JJ’s message, here is the link.

I just clicked on it because I needed a word. I didn’t realize it was a year old. God must I felt I really needed this message. Happy Sunday! Be well and whole. Much Love 🧡 💚

Dear Sherry,

Thank you so much for reaching out and checking on me. I was going to respond in a text, but I realized that it would have been like writing a letter. So, I am writing you a letter. A while back in one of your text messages, you said I hope life is treating you fairly. I love that statement. It made me think, is my life fair? I cannot say that it is or isn’t. I am surrounded by people who are going through things and I realize that it is just life. Is it fair? Probably not, but it is equal.

I am not in a great space. Honestly, I am not happy. Yet, occasionally I can still find moments, even pockets of happiness. I have found a spot here that I can go to sit on the water and smoke a cigar when I need to decompress. I do need to find a good bug spray though. They ate me up when I was there last time. I really love the company I work for and my coworkers. And they like me. They see value in me even on days that I struggle to see it myself. They are very intelligent women who are funny as hell. And they cuss like I do, so I can be myself. After tax season, I will start my bookkeeper training. Another valuable skill added! Also, it is cool being close to my mom. Well, I live with her so I guess I don’t have a choice 😂.

So why am I not happy? I don’t see a space for me here. I don’t fit in. There is an unconceivable amount of traffic for such a small town. I find myself being the worst version of me, which is never good. I can’t get away from the busyness, the stop and go. Nothing feels me with a true sense of peace. I miss the familiar. I miss my city and the beauty I have always been able to find there. My barbershop family, my happy hour spots and of course my friends and family. Yet, I know I needed to leave Toledo. I just don’t think this is the place I need to be.

Healthwise, 🤪. I am still walking and that is something I am grateful for. I mean it has went downhill severely in the little bit of time I have been here. I am not adjusting well to the changes in my health either. Or when I feel like, “Okay, this is new, but I got this.” Something else happens and I don’t have it. I don’t fucking have it at all! I am constantly grieving because before I have a chance to adjust to the new change, another one happens. This MS shit is for no one, not even the birds 😆. I have to get to the other side of this grief. I have to get to acceptance. So pray for me on that. I need it. I need to stop mourning who I used to be and love and accept this new version of me, even if that version of me is different today than it was yesterday.

Okay, enough whining and complaining. I did do the local MS Walk in Savannah, GA. They don’t have an MS walk in Bluffton or Hilton Head. My friend Shayla came from Atlanta to do the walk with me. A few other friends wanted to come, but the tickets were so high. I am glad they didn’t come because the walk was a little different than the one in Toledo. The one good thing that came from the walk is I was able to give my blankets away to 2 people living with MS. And really that is the only reason I wanted to attend the walk. Here are the blankets.

Look at the little heart I attached. So pretty 😍

Shayla’s mom is also living with MS and she is one of the people I made a blanket for in 2022. Shayla took it back to her mom when she left. This was the first blanket I did with this design. I am figuring I will do more this way, unless they come out with more variegated options for the color around the ribbon. It is hard to find options that match with lime green or bright ass orange. Lol.

This blanket was made in 2022 as well for a man living with MS. I plan on continuing to make one for a man and one for a woman. But it is harder to find men living with MS than women. God will just have to keep helping me with this.

I just know how defeating MS can be at times and I hope that when these individuals see their blankets they know someone cares and is rooting for them.

I hope you are staying well and whole. Next time I am that way we can go to lunch or meet at Elizabeth Park. Sitting in some lawn chairs, looking out at the water like last time. My favorite Michigan park and my favorite Michigan person. Thank you so much for not  giving up on me, even when I am being a turd and unresponsive. I truly appreciate your friendship, your love and your prayers. Love you Sherry 🧡💚

P.S. Now that the blankets are done, I have no excuse not to write. I am coming back to EbonyonEverything and Vivyd.

I don’t even know where to beginning. Last year was different. Especially after 2020 and 2021, which I thought were pretty good years even though we were in a pandemic. I experienced a lot of lows in 2022 and I didn’t bounce back like I thought I would. My biggest low happened at the end of the year. I landed face first on the ground when the forces of nature and MS conspired against me.

If you know me, you know I am so vain. I don’t even like a pimple on my face. So to say this was rough is an understatement. You may not believe me, but it looked worse in person. By the grace of God, I am only mildly changed.

So I didn’t have any year end reflections or thoughts on how I wanted my 2023 to start. I just wanted to look and feel normal. Every day I just want to get closer to who I was before. Physically and mentally.

Am I happy? No. Am I okay? Yes. Am I dwelling in the what ifs and why me? Probably. Am I going to pull through it? Absolutely! As an introvert, I struggle with letting people in. I am not trying to be super independent or not share the shady parts of my life. I just don’t know how to open that door. I also don’t want to be a burden. And yes, somewhere deep in me I know that I am not, but at times it still feels as if I am.

Every year, my goal is to be more vulnerable. To open myself up and show people I do have a heart. I promise you I do! I am not exactly sure if I’ve even budge an inch in the vulnerability department 🤦🏾‍♀️. Either way, a more vulnerable and open Ebony is once again my goal. I want to embrace, love and accept all sides of myself. Even the ones I see as weaknesses. I want to request assistance when it is needed and accept graciously when it is offered.

“One of the greatest acts of strength is extending oneself permission to be weak.” – Airicia Colley

I am slowly, but surely pulling myself back together. I will find the joy and peace in writing again. I will continue to work at being well and whole. And I hope you will do the same. Much Love 🧡 💚

P.S. I apologize to my subscribers who may have received the spam comments from my blog. I didn’t realize that you were also receiving the comments. There is still so much I don’t know about the background workings of my blog. I believe I have fixed the problem so you should not be sexually harassed any longer. Once again, my deepest apologies.