I lied to my friend the other day. Not on purpose. I was thinking of a situation using my current environment, not my past environment. I saw a cute dude at the UPS Store, and of course I was looking. I got caught looking. I realized I wouldn’t have gotten caught if he wasn’t looking back. I said to Shayla, “Yeah, he is looking until I get out of this car and he sees I’m handicap.” Not verbatim, but close enough. She says, “If he has an issue then he is shallow, like you.” No protest, I am shallow, she knows me. Then I proceed to say, “I could possibly date a disabled dude. It just depends on the level of disability. I don’t want to wipe ass.” That was the lie.
First, I don’t mean now. I’m limited. We can’t both need help. Second, I was thinking along the lines of if I wasn’t disabled. I would like to think I would be a better person at this age if I didn’t have limitations. I hope that alternate universe Ebony would be over her shallowness and is able to see and love a disabled man, a short man, or a man with a great personality. Unfortunately, I would probably still be the shallow asshole that would not date a man with a disability or shorter than 5’10”. Hell, I am a shallow asshole right now, and I don’t have any room to be.
The reason why I lied was because I look at myself and see all that I am despite my limitations, and I have to believe someone else will see it too. If I say, as a healthy person, I wouldn’t date a person with a disability, where does that leave me? I cannot expect anyone to do something I would be unwilling to do in their same situation. A disability is just part of who a person is, not the whole person. I don’t want anyone who is out here making a life and a way for themselves to be without love for such a shallow reason, me included. Yet, everyone has preferences and who am I to put my insecurities on them.
When it is all said and done, the lie was unintentional. As I thought more about the topic, I realized that if I had minimal to no growth over the past 10+, I most likely would not date a man with limitations. Multiple sclerosis (MS) has changed me and allowed me to look at the world through a different lens. I have grown in many ways over the years. I guess that is one good thing it did. And just in case I switch bodies with alternate universe Ebony, I will be ready with my MS perspective to make sure that version of me evolves into a better person. Be well and whole. Much Love 🧡 💚