As of 5:29 am today, it has been a full week since I turned 49 years old. I wanted to write about the start of this book last week, but I hadn’t figured out who I wanted to be for the next 365 days. Listen, I have a better idea now, but I’m still not solid on it. Well, I am not solid on the steps to execute my goals. One thing I was completely solid on was that this book will have a soundtrack. Songs that represent the three areas of my life I want to focus on this year, Love, Purpose, and Connection.
Love
I have been obsessed with this song. When I think of love, this song plays in my head, on repeat. Meet the Sun by Joseph Solomon speaks to my heart on another level. I really like him. The lyrics 🥲. Meet the Sun represents to me how I want a man, who will become my boyfriend, and then my husband, to feel about me. The reverence in which he talks about this woman. I want to be wanted, I want to be loved, I want him to want me to stay. I am manifesting this love in my life. I am seriously going to spend this personal new year putting real effort into this manifestation. I feel like I have been laxed about it. I tell people that I want to be in love and get married. I think about it, but no action to support this goal. No more fucking around, not literally. I mean, no more hoping that love will be delivered to my door. I am going out to get it. My friend already wrote out my wedding guest list for 2028. I have to make it come true.
Purpose
I have previously read that maybe our purpose is not one big thing or mission that we need to accomplish on this Earth, maybe it is all the little things and ways that we do to make people feel loved, seen, and uplifted. I have been embracing this tidbit and living my life to be a blessing to others. But I still feel unfulfilled. I feel that there is more and that I have not discovered my true purpose. This is actually one of the reasons why I started therapy. All three of my focuses for 49 are why I am in therapy. I want to leave this planet knowing I have served God as He intended me to. Beyoncé’s I Was Here will be my guiding light to learn my purpose and serve in my purpose. The first time I heard this song, it really touched my heart and occasionally I come back and listen to it. It just seems like the perfect song to express my desire for purpose.
Connection
When I said I liked Joseph Solomon, I really meant that. For my spiritual connection and building my relationship with God, my song is Find Me by Joseph Solomon. Joseph says, “Lend my ears your voice.” That is the first line of the song. It’s perfect! I want to hear God’s voice. I want to know at all times when He is speaking to me. And I don’t want to just listen, I want to do what he is instructing me to do. I crave a deeper connection with God, but I also fear it at the same time. I fear that I will lose myself. When in reality isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Even in this moment as I am typing this, I realize I think too highly of myself. Lol. I think that who I am is better than who God calls me to be. Smh. This ego is blocking my blessings. I want all my blessings. I want God’s continued grace, favor, and mercy. I want God to lead me. I want to be connected. After writing this, I know I have to get over myself. God has not given up on me. He continues to find me. I need to find who I am in His eyes.
I want this personal new year to be a breakthrough year. I want to know that I haven’t just started along the path, but that I am easing on down the road. And I mean easing 😆. Everything doesn’t have to be hard. As a 49 year old woman (damn I’m old), I want more life, more love, more books, more music, more connections. I want more! I want to be well and whole, and I wish for you to be well and whole. Much Love 🧡 💚