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I don’t know how to relax!!! This is a really serious issue. I read a book about meditation and I planned on meditating because I truly believe that it would be beneficial to me and my health. My mind is always overwhelmed with thoughts, mistakes and whatever I see and hear from one day to the next. Meditation seems like the way to go. I kinda tried a couple of days and really didn’t push it. Twenty minutes of still time is really hard for me. I get fidgety if I am not moving for that long unless I am asleep. Well I sat in my car by the water and tried to meditate today. I listen to the woman as she gave instructions on how to do this meditation. As I tried to relax my body based on her instructions, I realized I couldn’t. I couldn’t let myself totally go and let the tension leave my body. I felt all kinds of weird. As if I was going to cry and y’all know how I feel about crying. I felt fear. The fear that if I relaxed completely and totally I would fall apart. Who fucking knew that I was working so hard to hold it together!?!?!?

I pride myself on being strong and able to handle what life throws at me. Of course I am always giving honor to God because I know I couldn’t do it without Him. I may complain a little when something doesn’t go my way, but I am quick to recover and move on. Sometimes I handle the issue at that time or later when I can take care of it. I can’t afford to let things get me down because life continues to happen whether we participate or not. I prefer to participate so that I can have an effect on the outcome. I do all this without truly being aware of how it affects me. If I am doing too much physically, my body will tell me and I sit my ass down. I rarely stop and think about how I am feeling emotionally about things unless I can’t get passed it. Then I will work it over in my mind to death. Eventually if I don’t come up with a solution, I’ll just push it down and go about my other business. Emotions are annoying. Lol

I started this post last week and I didn’t want to finish it until I looked deeper into myself and see if this was true. I am now on the water again.

This is truly my place of peace. Where I can clear my head a little. I did realize one thing about last week. Guys cover your ears. Ladies, “something, something… yeah I know it sucks. Why do we have to go through this. UGH!!!” Ok now that is out of the way. I am in a better space now so I decided to try again to listen to my guided meditation body scan and see if I could relax. Well it didn’t go so well. For one, I was sleepy so I kept dozing off. Two, when I wasn’t dozing off my mind kept wondering off. I had to keep going back to focus on my breathing to clear my mind of the intrusive thoughts. I could have been relaxed but I’m not really sure. I plan on persisting through these small obstacles to make meditation a part of my daily life. I can’t give up.

Now as far as relaxing go, I hope I can accomplish that through meditation. I feel like I am naturally an uptight person, but this may not be true. It may be that I have put shields up to avoid…everything. Now it is up to me to take these shields down one by one. I talked about vulnerability before and how it is totally foreign to me. Well it isn’t foreign any more but I am still struggling to be vulnerable. I looked back at my previous post titled “Vulnerable” posted on August 31, 2017. Let’s say I am still doing the same shit. I have invested in audiobooks about it and even watched a special on Netflix by Dr. Brene Brown called “The Call to Courage”. I am determined to open the door to vulnerability because I believe and the research shows that is when you experience your best life. I want my best life dammit!!!

So in reference to all the other stuff I said before, I am going to have to fall apart. As terrible as that sounds, avoiding it is holding me back. I am going to tell you another one of my issues. I try to plan out being emotional. Lol. No, seriously. Like I only want to be emotional(cry, sad) when I am alone and preferably on the weekend. Not ever around others or when I know I am going someplace that others will be. If I have a moment, I hurry up and pull it together. Hell, sometimes I even get mad that it is happening. Like why now? Why not before I went to bed? Lol. I am sure I am not the only person like this. I just happen to be the person that is willing to admit I’m a little messed up. And don’t not a one of you say a lot. Lol. To spend the majority of your life one way it takes a while to transition to another way. I’m transitioning people. I didn’t think it would take this long. Smh. Anyways, if you see me with red puffy eyes or I look a little sad, don’t you dare say anything. I am falling apart but it is a good thing. I am going to come back together better because of it. And that is what I ultimately want.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt no one is going to comment on here about their struggles. I don’t expect you to. There is a comment box below if you decide to. Or if you want to talk about this off the blog, feel free to email me, elsims27@yahoo.com. I am available to talk about anything. It doesn’t have to be the topic on this particular blog post either. It could be on a previous one or some other topic. I just want everyone to be well and whole, including myself of course.

First a quick update. My mom put my squares together and it came out to be a beautiful blanket.

This is all the blankets that my mom made including the one that I made.

Yes she made more than me, but she is retired. Lol.

Here is the veteran that received my blanket.

My mom did not get his name which is okay. She actually didn’t get any pictures of the other blankets that was given away except this one. She must have known somewhere in the back of her mind that I wanted this picture. I am always happy to bless someone with a thoughtful gift. Especially one that is homemade and useful to the recipient. Giving away blankets for me is definitely one of my life’s purposes. Not giving this up anytime soon.

Now to the topic at hand. Here to share some more random and not so random thoughts. This mind is always overflowing and you poor souls stay on the receiving end. Smh. Well if you are reading this then it is your own fault 😂😂😂.

1. Why do articles list people that bash and bully artists/actors/writers, etc. as fans? I don’t think that is the correct wording. More along the lines of haters, meanies, dickwads, assholes, bastards, etc. I would never call someone who attacks me and disrespects me a friend. So to use the word “fan” doesn’t make a lick of sense. I think these journalists need to realize that they are using the wrong word and change that shit up.

2. I am scrolling through storage benches on Overstock. I realize, not even halfway in, I was actually tired of looking. It stated at the top that it was 779 to look through. I became annoyed. First, because they don’t sort their selections into different pages. You just keep going down and down and down. Second, since everything is on one page, if I decided to stop and look another day I would have to go through all the ones I seen before and who the hell wants to do that!?! They should have a feature in the app where you can return right where you were at the last time or bookmark that location. It would make my life easier at least. Lol.

3. Is there a such thing as the one that got away? I would think if that was the person that I was meant to be with then wouldn’t I have had the opportunity to be with that person. I don’t know, but there is a guy that I feel like he got away. I met him when I was in my mid to late 20s and I still think about him to this day. I wanted him bad and that is rare for me. I meet plenty of men but most of them don’t make an impression on me. His mom used to cook and he would share his lunch with me. His mom’s cooking was great too. And if you know me, food is the way to my heart. He had a great work ethic and that is a serious turn on for me. His smile was slightly crooked but oh so sexy. Like I said, I wanted him 😂😂😂. So how do I categorize this person? Thoughts?

4. Why is it that I feel like the dude on the Sprint commercials who was previously a spokesperson for Verizon is a traitor? For one, everyone knows that Sprint’s network is not as good as Verizon. So this fool is on these commercials lying for a paycheck. I have had Verizon, Sprint and AT&T over the years and I have had the best service with Verizon. Actually the terrible service on Sprint made me go with Verizon, damn the cost. Now I will say Verizon is high as hell and they dont really give you a lot of perks like T-Mobile. If I was going to switch from Verizon it would be to T-Mobile, not with Sprint. I don’t know how anyone can take him seriously. Everytime one of those commercials come on I either mute the TV or change the channel.

5. Candy makers are always putting a thousand of the nasty candies in a bag and only a few of the good candies. No names but recently I purchased a bag of candy bites. They had about ten of the white mystery flavor (yum, my favorite) and about 50 of the orange flavored (yuck). So let’s say that I threw away about half a bag of candy. I am sure that there is someone who likes the orange ones that I could have given them to, probably not though, but I fingered all of them. Not that I am nasty or anything but most people would not be receptive to candy that has been pawed. Orange flavor and lemon flavor are two of the most unwanted in any candy bag. Just do away with them. Lol. Now Starburst had the right idea with Fave Reds. There was no way to go wrong with that. All the best flavors in one bag, yes! Starburst has even come out with a bag of All Pinks. Candy manufacturers pay attention, you are missing a golden opportunity. What is your least favorite flavor that comes in a candy bag?

Can you relate to any of these thoughts? Do you have any random/not random thoughts to share? Leave a comment below. I love to hear from you. Be well and whole.