The last few days have been eye opening and life changing. I am so engrossed into finding out who I really am. I know who I am right now but am I suppose to be this person. What about the old me? Did I give too much of her up when she may serve me well right now in my life? What’s really going on? Let me tell you.
So, I have some flaws 😱. Can you believe it? Lol. Here I was thinking I was perfect. I guess not. With that being said, I am pretty bad at articulating what I want to say in a nice way or even in an inoffensive way. I am extremely blunt and how I think it, I say it. I usually think that how I am saying things make sense to me, so of course everyone else is going to understand it. Hahaha. Jokes on me. Those times are few and far in between. Thank God I have friends and family that love me and know I mean no harm. I would be a lonely person if I had to make friends right now in life. Anyways, I said something to an individual in a text message that I probably should not have said at all. Once I told one of my friends, she said it back to me in plain speak and I realize that went all the way left. Like to the point that it came back around and kicked me in my ass. Lol. Yeah…that is how it goes most of the time. The person was offended and that was to be expected. What wasn’t expected was that that person would then proceeded to air out their grievances on social media. In a really unnecessary, in my opinion, manner.
Now I am a very private person. I know I have a blog where I talk about myself and my many opinions, but what I share is only the tip of the iceberg. I may constantly put my foot in my mouth but most people wouldn’t know unless I tell them or the other person involved says something. I will seek you out in a private manner to express my thoughts or opinions because that’s me. Everyone don’t need to know everything. And if I say something wrong or offensive, check me right then and there. I am fine with it and I can handle it. Now, I may not agree but I can respect your thoughts and feelings. What I cannot respect is for what I say to become fodder for the attention seeker. For the person who needs validation from others. For a private matter to be made public. Why? I get it. This person was truly offended and I don’t blame them one bit. I actually felt horrible about what I said and was trying to figure out how I could right my wrong. Until…I seen their response.
Now this brings me to the part where I get reacquainted with myself. The me that has been altered to hide parts of myself that are not so pretty. I was ugly with rage. My face was hot. My pits were sweating (I have come to realize this is a true sign of anger for me). My mind clouding up with tongue lashings that I so desperately wanted to deliver. I rarely ever get mad. Upset, irritated but mad, not so much. And it is few and far between when I get mad enough to cuss someone out. Unless I’m driving and that doesn’t count. Lol. I became a version of myself that I had left in the past, for whatever reason. I was changed in that moment and for a good day or so later. I remembered this Ebony. I wanted to embrace her and cut everybody the fuck off and be mean and evil. I wanted to drop my filter completely and verbally abuse anyone who said anything that I perceived as wrong to me. I was ready to be that me again. I had it all planned out. So y’all do know by now that I’m crazy, right? Ok good. Let’s proceed.
What actually happened is I typed out some of my mean comebacks in my phone to help release some of my anger. I text talked to my friends who had me laughing so hard. That helped a lot. I went to sleep. I woke up and I realized I cannot go back to the old me. Oh how I wanted to so bad the day before. I got in the shower and I talked to God. I told Him I did not want to be changed by this. That this was so minor in the grand scheme of things. That I could not be that person again. Now at this point, y’all are probably thinking I am making a big deal about this one incident. But it is not just this one incident. I am constantly pushing down the ugly parts of me to be accepted in polite society. My filter is at 80%. Like we established earlier, I’m not perfect so some things do get through. I am mean people! Like really mean and it is completely natural 🤦🏾.
But on the other hand, I am nice. I say things in a fucked up way but I usually mean well. I am caring, compassionate and loyal as hell. If you have me as a friend, you got me for life. Like it would take some extremely drastic shit for me to give up on you. I am not judgmental and I pretty much keep to myself. I believe in the best of people and I am always putting myself in someone else’s shoes. I believe that my good outweighs my bad. Now what I did get from this is, maybe I am stifling myself a little too much. I may need to lower my filter to 50%. I don’t have to be the old, ultra mean version of myself but I may need to check people a little bit more. I don’t want to hold this stuff in to the point of exploding. I guess I just need to work on my delivery. If I get that down, I can check people all the time. Lol. Seriously though, I have to find a way to convey what I feel without ostracizing people. I know it can be done.
Are there parts of you that are not so pretty? What have you done to change them or to not allow them to interfere with the person you have become? Got any tips for me? I am open to receiving advice. Just don’t get upset if I don’t take it. Lol. I will definitely take it into consideration though. On this rainy Toledo day, I hope you are well and whole.
